


Failstaff

by bessyboo, Petra



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Audio Format: M4B, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Community: pod_together, Drunkenness, Farce, M/M, Pod Together Party Favors, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, Storytelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-25 18:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/956166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessyboo/pseuds/bessyboo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petra/pseuds/Petra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Patrick Kane tries to give a St. Crispin's Day speech and ends up as Falstaff. Sort of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Failstaff

**Author's Note:**

> Audio length: 9:14. Cover art & podbook compiled by bessyboo.

**MP3 [6.7 MB]:** [Download](http://bessyboo.parakaproductions.com/My%20Podfic/MP3s/Failstaff.mp3) (right-click/save as)  
 **Audiobook (M4B) [5.8 MB]:** [Download](http://bessyboo.parakaproductions.com/My%20Podfic/Podbooks/Failstaff.m4b) (right-click/save as)

  
  
  
  


The prank that Patrick Sharp relishes the most, when he's 85 and telling his great-grandchildren about the merry japes he got up to back in the good old days, is the time he accidentally talked Patrick Kane into standing on a table and yelling until he got laid:

It started like any other post-Stanley Cup party, with too much alcohol, too many shirtless men, and more alcohol dripping off of them like sweat. You should never go to those parties, children, because the people there are very stupid. They're not necessarily bad people, but they are stupid, stupid, stupid people.

Especially Kaner.

You see, Patrick Kane--Kaner, to his friends--clambered onto a table, and yelled, "Tazer, you gotta fuck me."

There was a lot of other yelling in the room, and music--real music, not the stuff you get these days.

And everywhere, people dancing.

And only the people lucky enough to be nearby heard Tazer's response. "Get off the fucking table."

"Not till you say you'll fuck me. And, like, date me."

"No."

"But it's--it's your density. Den-city. Des. Tin. Knee. The thing, you have to do, that's what this is, because--I'm a terrible person." Kaner looked appropriately ashamed of himself, as he should.

"Yes. I know."

"And so are you sometimes, with your--" Kaner made a face, possibly attempting to approximate Tazer's most cheerful expression, which ended up looking like he was about to descend like the wrath of a vengeful god and eat everyone's spleen. It was a pretty good impression, actually.

"How do you get from that to saying we have to fuck?" Tazer asked, and that--that was his first great error.

"You have to. You--you have to. You just have to, Jonny." Jonny was Tazer's real name, and saying it made Kaner look even scarier. "You have to do it for--for--America. Wait, no. For Chicago! And--and--listen 'cause I mean it--Canada."

"Why would Canada give a shit about your sex life, Kaner?" and the battle was lost, though Tazer didn't know it then. Never ask crazy people questions. It just encourages them.

"You should fuck me for everybody! Canada is part of everybody! What if--what if I go to Canada? And hit on a nice Canadian girl! That's just--you don't want that."

"I don't want you, either."

"You have to save that sweet, innocent, gorgeous, stacked, Canadian girl."

Tazer said, "I'll throw myself on her if I meet her."

"No, no, save her now. Throw yourself on me. Because you? You are a hotass. And I'm a hotass. And your face is hot. And--you can turn the lights off if you want to. Or we could, you know, they have those paper bags. It would be okay. I mean. When I wasn't--" Kaner made a hand gesture. A rude one. No, not that one--this was before they invented the vezof. There, your sister's got it.

And Tazer said, "I hate you."

"Also, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny Jon Jon Jonny, what if, what if if if--what if I do it with a girl? And she gets pregnant?"

"You won't. She won't, because you have no fucking balls. And also, I'm going to kill you."

"Okay. Fuck me to death! Sounds great. Better than if I find a girl! And then, like, there'd be all these baby Patricks, you don't want that, do you? They'd be all zoom! and fast! And pains in the ass."

"Get off the fucking table."

"Catch me." Kaner made as if to dive into the crowd, because he was, remember, very stupid.

"No."

"If you don't catch me I'll find a girl to land on. And she might get knocked up and it would be your fault."

"Kaner, you're going to hurt yourself. Or me. Or some poor girl."

"Save that girl. Save her with your body! Or I'll fall on her and it'll be your fault, because you don't want to catch me. And take me home. And sleep with me. Maybe even sleep on me."

"Only if I get to put a pillow on your face."

"No. No no, no, you put your ass--you have, like, the best ass, you know that? Seriously the best ass, it's almost better than Sharpy's face and my god but that shit is saying something right there" --that is absolutely what happened, and ignore Grandma Abby, she just starts laughing like that sometimes these days, you know how old people are--"but your ass. We were talking about your awesome, awesome ass."

"No, we really weren't."

"I was! Because the thing is, the thing, it is, the thing is if you put your ass? On my face? Then I can't talk, right? So I'll be there all--" he made incoherent tongue gestures, as no one should ever do if they hope to see someone else naked and I hope you remember that "--trying to talk, and your ass will save you. And everybody else."

"How drunk are you?"

"Kinda." Kaner swayed like he was on the deck of a ship. "A lot. So I have, like, really bad judgment, so I'll end up with someone really, really, really bad for me. So you have to take me home! Because otherwise I'll keep talking. And talking. And talk talk talky talking talkity Jesus fuck, Jonny, why aren't you shutting me up yet? Did you hurt your ass somehow?"

"No. I'm not sitting on you."

"Then I'm never gonna shut up."

"Like that's news?"

"I'll talk all night tonight and all day tomorrow and the day after that and forever when you have your day with the Cup I'll follow you around and tell everybody why you should have sex with me right now so we're not driving everybody else fucking crazy and then I won't leave you alone, ever, and you'll never, ever, ever sleep again unless you take me home right now and fuck me until I can't talk anymore and take me off the market because otherwise you'll never ever ever ever run out of my ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends and I'll give them all your number so when they dump me they can call you and say, 'What the fuck, Jonny-boy, why didn't you keep him, it's not like you'd have to work on it hard, all you had to do was work out in front of him in your hot fucking Jockeys, right, and then let him lick you, is that so much to ask, because it's not, it's really not that much at all and--"

At that point, to the great relief of everyone in the area who had not learned, years before, how to ignore Kaner, Tazer kissed him and dragged him off the table by his hair.

His hair was more than long enough to allow Tazer to drag him. There's an album of pictures. They're pretty awful.

Oh, you want the end of the story?

They lived happily ever after.

Well, okay, they argued all the time, but Tazer found ways to shut Kaner up, and Kaner found ways to make him laugh. That's about the best either of them could hope for, since they couldn't marry Grandma Abby.

Now go have some cookies and bring me one.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Petra's Notes:** This was written on 7/30/13 and posted for about five seconds that day before Bessy said she wanted to use it for pod_together. Petra is still not in hockey fandom anymore.
> 
>  **Bess's Notes:** I basically goaded Petra into writing this over chat in late July, and the SECOND it showed up in my inbox (just before she posted it for those five seconds), I stopped laughing long enough to go OH MY GOD CAN WE MAKE THIS A THING FOR POD TOGETHER and she was like SURE! And thus this project came to be.
> 
> BONUS! [madecunningly](http://archiveofourown.org/users/madecunningly/pseuds/madecunningly) was in the room while I recorded this, and you can hear her reaction as soon as I finished recording [here](http://bessyboo.parakaproductions.com/Miscellaneous/KatesReactionToFailstaff.mp3) ;)


End file.
